So....

Our furnace died. Again. Whatever. Anyway, I was explaining something about the situation to Myra, who asked why it died...I said "Because it is an ancient piece of shit" or something of that nature. She admonished me that the kids were going to start to repeat these things. Eli gave us a devilish look, and started chanting "Ancient, ancient, ANCIENT!" in a sing-song voice.

Winter Depression Rears It's Ugly Head.

(A post that is depressing through and through. Spare yourself and don't read it.)

Town Meeting tomorrow should be interesting this year...lots of small town drama to liven up this crummy week. Always a good time. Should cheer me up enormously. It's one of those days where I feel I can do no right. Kids being needy, tormenting each other, and sobbing about every little thing until I feel like sobbing too.

Normally I feel mostly content with the choices I've made and the direction of my life, but I must say that today I do not. Today the happy veneer, humor, and joy is stripped off and all I see is a housewife staring out at a dreary, cold landscape and wondering if I will ever feel young again. Today it is not funny to me that there is peanut butter on my camera lens. Today it is not cool that the dog ate my toothbrush. I feel trapped. Scared. Sad. I want to lace up some sneakers and take a run. Can't. I want to go dancing. Can't. I want to curl up with a good book, or some fresh paper and a pen. Can't. Want to take pictures somewhere other than the inside of my own house. Can't. That seems to be the word of the winter.

Justin's Grandma is in the hospital with Pneumonia and refuses to eat...so that's not looking good. We are hoping to get up there after the meeting tomorrow.

This morning, the puppy would not come when I called him in from outside and I hunted everywhere, with the kids opening the door and screaming to me every five seconds. Finally I heard his collar jingle upstairs in our barn, how he got in there, I'll never know, there were no footprints leading to the (shut) door or anything. All I can think of was that he jumped through an open window? Anyway, when I stepped into the barn, I didn't notice through all the jumble of junk that the floor had flooded and was now a sheet of ice, and I went down hard among the welder, saw blades, extra gasifier parts and oil pans. Somehow managed to not get cut or truly hurt, just banged up. The dog would not come down the stairs because he was stuck on one side of the room...(Justin has pulled some of the floorboards up, getting to the stairs is tricky) Worried that he might be hurt, I had to go up after him and carry him wriggling frantically back through the maze of pointy metal things and ice. Very thankful I didn't knock myself out, with the kids all alone in the house.

We had a nice weekend, got nothing done, but got to spend time with friends on Saturday. I don't know. I'm always reading depressing blog, facebook, etc entries by other people and thinking "Cut the daily sob-story, geez, what is your PROBLEM?! Get off your ass and stop being mopey/tired/bitter/sad!" But here I am, doing it too. Seriously, though, I honestly think winter has a lot to do with it. This winter in particular. Those of you that actually read this bunk of mine will have certainly noticed that I don't seem to be such a mess during the warm months. Like it's some sort of seasonal, bipolar disorder? Winter in our house brings with it; germs, insane heating bills, car trouble, missed work (no money), short, cold days, long, cold nights (usually with somebody coughing/feverish/stuffed up...and that means no sleep for me) and on and on... I think I've written pretty much this exact same entry before. Sigh. I am one of those irritating people with a broken record of woes. I'm just tired and upset all the time lately. I have never been a yeller, I'm proud that my kids are so sweet, and I am so patient. I used to feel super smug... chalk one up for good parenting. But lately, in the last few weeks, I find myself snarling at them and it breaks my heart to see their faces when I snap at them for something silly. I hate myself for it. They are incredibly sensitive little guys and I am being a high-strung beast. The constant squabbling and craziness makes me lose it. It's like everything comes to a head once a day in some sort of stressful climax...dog on the table eating somebody's lunch, phone ringing, I trip over a toy trying to get to the baby being shoved, screaming, out of a chair by his brother who has just dumped a glass of milk over, and what isn't being licked up by the dog is running swiftly towards a pile of bills and my camera. I can't help myself but howl. I've had to shut myself in the bathroom before and just try to calm down and not shout all over the place at them. The computer has become a form of escape, though the only time I'm on it is while the baby is sleeping in my arms...he won't nap by himself anymore because his brother is too noisy, and wakes him up. He doesn't seem to be disturbed as long as I'm holding him...hence more back problems. I'm frustrated because I feel like a single parent. Justin is working over an hour away so he gets home late, we just have time for dinner, put The Kid to bed, attempt a quick clean up of disaster that is our house, rock The Baby to sleep and fall into bed. Usually, the only time I have to myself is a hot shower which is, pathetically, pretty much the one thing I look forward to all day long. The only actual attention Justin and I pay to each other is to argue about which one of us is more overworked. It's a selfish, stupid fight that has no resolution, and still we do it. The road looks like a mirror right now and snow is driving down and fogging it up. I despise this winter. I'm ashamed of my whining, but I NEED to whine today. Sorry.

A New Week

Back to school for The Kid. Some tricky business getting out of the house with my arms full (of slippery baby, lunch basket, extra clothes, purse and the valentines we forgot to bring a couple of weeks ago) and the dog attempting to cram himself through the door before we can all hussle through. And Big E HAS to jump into a snowbank EVERY morning, getting his boots packed with snow so that we arrive at school with soaking wet socks. And it was so COLD today! I think we are all finally starting to feel better again, the boys still do a bit of coughing at night, but seem OK in the daytime. Eli's started to loudly grind his teeth in his sleep, I have no idea what to do about it...I've just been sticking an old pacifier in his mouth, hoping that it will stop him. Anybody have any thoughts? So, this last weekend, I got everybody bundled up to go to Shaelagh's play, but then I quickly checked on-line to see if we were going to be on time....and it was NEXT weekend. Groan. I'm such a disorganized mess lately. Oh me, oh my. Well, anyway, our furnace quit on us last week, but Justin finally did manage to get it cobbled together enough to keep going for a little bit longer...we hope! It is, literally, an antique. 60+ years! OK, Myra just arrived, so I'll cut this short... talk to you all later!

Lazy Me

We had a good week and weekend. The Kid is on vacation from school now, which alternately feels a tiny bit like hell (because I never get a break), and heaven (because I don't have to hussle him out of bed, pack his lunch, lug both boy & baby to his classroom, late every morning). Thinking about ordering some baby chicks in a few weeks. And browsing the seed catalogs that have started arriving in the mail! We had a Harlequin Romance themed Valentine party which was both ridiculous and fun. Snowshoed into Grampa Sheehan's/Dad's camp and wandered around for an afternoon. Myra & Jim are on a ski trip to Wyoming. The Kid is recently obsessed with sharks, pirates (still) and He Pingping (The World's Smallest Man). The Baby is talking quite a lot,and into biting his brother... There are lots of photos over on my flickr account, but I haven't the energy to put them on here right now, nor write a more readable blog entry! Lazy, lazy me! The dog goes to the vet tomorrow morning to be neutered, poor guy. (He seems to have no idea that he's a dog, and tries to do everything the kids do. When they go in their playhouse, he goes right in too. He is still heartbroken about sleeping in the crate, but he's still chewing everything to pieces too...) Anyway, must run. The boys (all three of them) are begging for a "snack" (Ira's new favorite word, only he says "Nack"). Hope everyone is well! Love, Em

Ok, I added a couple of shots that were easy to get to, and too funny to resist...

Nice Day

A fun time on Saturday! Skiing, then James and Amelia's show, which was great. Loved it, the whole weekend!

Friday, Wonderful Friday

Justin had his follow-up appointment yesterday morning. Every test was normal. The MRI, EEG, CAT scan and blood work turned up no problems. That's awesome! Bad news is: the neurologist informed us that NH law says you can't drive a vehicle for six months after a seizure. I gulped, and asked what VT law was. ONE YEAR. How can that be?! Also they "won't force us, but highly recommend Justin be on a heavy dose of anti-seizure drug" ...For finding nothing wrong with him? (And drugs or not, he still can't drive, although we are guiltily ignoring that because WE HAVE TO!) The doctor says that all the so-called seizures Justin has had throughout his life, are not really seizures, but merely a form of shock or fainting, as I have thought all along, due to pain. He passes out, stops breathing, etc. BUT this last one he considers to be "real" because it happened in his sleep. I seriously wonder if Justin simply had a powerful dream in which he was hurt and that caused it. I mean, lots of things in dreams cause physical reactions. The brain is powerful and can certainly control your nerve endings, or so I assumed.... The neurologist said that wasn't possible. Damn medical people. They are so afraid of covering their asses, and too quick to slap a prescription on you! Anyway, some of the drug's side effects include greatly increased suicide risk (Yay), gums growing over your teeth (not joking) etc, etc. I highly doubt Justin will decide to take it, just doesn't seem worth it. It's all terribly frustrating.... We don't really have a plan yet, just trying to deal with each day as it comes. Last night was fire meeting, so we took the boys to climb around in the trucks, something we haven't done for a couple of months. The Baby is now big enough to love fire trucks too, was cute, watching the two of them and Av race around the station. Lucky little kiddies! They have colds, but so far don't seem too uncomfortable. I popped into the Grange last night to watch six of my former dance sweeties practice for the Mini-Mud Season Talent Show. Super adorable, even considering the trendy pop song of choice. Justin wants to go snowboarding this weekend, but if the boys aren't feeling well, it might not be possible..we'll see. Our friends, James and Amelia, are also having a joint photography show this weekend that I'm hoping to get to. Oh, I am looking forward to spring more than ever! Rather tired of the static/dog hair, cold, gamble to pull out of our driveway because the six foot snowbank makes it impossible to see, bundling the kids up in a million layers, oil tank that seems to need refilling every two weeks, perpetual snuffy noses, the pup can get out of the fence because it's so buried and we are constantly barely saving him from being hit by a car, frozen pipes, short days, being trapped in basically one room because we turn the heat way down during the day upstairs, piles of wet things in the mudroom that never seem to dry, mismatched socks (I sent E. to school two days ago wearing one sock of his brothers, and one of mine), and so on..... Ooooooo, If I didn't love Vermont so much....but I do. I could never leave here. On a funnier (?) note, Mom tried to help me organize the mass amounts of paperwork piled all over the house last week. I was doubtful we could make a dent in it, but she smugly informed me the she "can organize ANYTHING". An hour or two later, she admitted defeat saying that "nobody could fix this mess." Truthfully, we DID make a dent, but seven days later, it's right back to square one. Justin's biggest faults are procrastination and being a slob...which is not great when it comes to dealing with bills... I try, on occasion, but then he freaks out that I've messed up his system...ummmm, SYSTEM?! Towering piles of mail leaning off of every conceivable surface seems like no system to me....but hey, I was raised by The Organizer, what do I know? Anyhow, now that I got the brief husband-bashing out of my system, I can go back to being cranky at the world in general. Just kidding, I'm really not in a bad mood, even if the Littlest Bub did get his head stuck between the seat and armrest of a dining room chair this morning. I found it sickly funny that Myra somehow tore the doors (? door? haven't heard the whole story yet) off her car, backing down her driveway before work yesterday, and had to borrow Mom's car. Myra always does the weirdest car things...like the time she locked her keys in her car when they still were on a cord around her wrist....yeah...how does one even do such a thing?! My own car is in disguise at the moment, since I cleaned it. It looks just like a car owned by a nice, normal, tidy person! OK, that's all the news I can think of at the moment. Things are moving along and there is always a silver lining to everything, right? I just need to watch some Rogers and Hammerstein or something to regain a cheery outlook! (Wow, rereading all this, I am the Queen Of Run-On Sentences! Sweet!) Hope everyone enjoys their weekend! XXOO -Emily

Lambing Season

A wee bit early for lambing, but makes me hopeful that spring is on the way! The Kid thinks the Barreda's barn is the "funnest" place in the world.