Monday, March 2, 2009

Winter Depression Rears It's Ugly Head.

(A post that is depressing through and through. Spare yourself and don't read it.)

Town Meeting tomorrow should be interesting this year...lots of small town drama to liven up this crummy week. Always a good time. Should cheer me up enormously. It's one of those days where I feel I can do no right. Kids being needy, tormenting each other, and sobbing about every little thing until I feel like sobbing too.

Normally I feel mostly content with the choices I've made and the direction of my life, but I must say that today I do not. Today the happy veneer, humor, and joy is stripped off and all I see is a housewife staring out at a dreary, cold landscape and wondering if I will ever feel young again. Today it is not funny to me that there is peanut butter on my camera lens. Today it is not cool that the dog ate my toothbrush. I feel trapped. Scared. Sad. I want to lace up some sneakers and take a run. Can't. I want to go dancing. Can't. I want to curl up with a good book, or some fresh paper and a pen. Can't. Want to take pictures somewhere other than the inside of my own house. Can't. That seems to be the word of the winter.

Justin's Grandma is in the hospital with Pneumonia and refuses to that's not looking good. We are hoping to get up there after the meeting tomorrow.

This morning, the puppy would not come when I called him in from outside and I hunted everywhere, with the kids opening the door and screaming to me every five seconds. Finally I heard his collar jingle upstairs in our barn, how he got in there, I'll never know, there were no footprints leading to the (shut) door or anything. All I can think of was that he jumped through an open window? Anyway, when I stepped into the barn, I didn't notice through all the jumble of junk that the floor had flooded and was now a sheet of ice, and I went down hard among the welder, saw blades, extra gasifier parts and oil pans. Somehow managed to not get cut or truly hurt, just banged up. The dog would not come down the stairs because he was stuck on one side of the room...(Justin has pulled some of the floorboards up, getting to the stairs is tricky) Worried that he might be hurt, I had to go up after him and carry him wriggling frantically back through the maze of pointy metal things and ice. Very thankful I didn't knock myself out, with the kids all alone in the house.

We had a nice weekend, got nothing done, but got to spend time with friends on Saturday. I don't know. I'm always reading depressing blog, facebook, etc entries by other people and thinking "Cut the daily sob-story, geez, what is your PROBLEM?! Get off your ass and stop being mopey/tired/bitter/sad!" But here I am, doing it too. Seriously, though, I honestly think winter has a lot to do with it. This winter in particular. Those of you that actually read this bunk of mine will have certainly noticed that I don't seem to be such a mess during the warm months. Like it's some sort of seasonal, bipolar disorder? Winter in our house brings with it; germs, insane heating bills, car trouble, missed work (no money), short, cold days, long, cold nights (usually with somebody coughing/feverish/stuffed up...and that means no sleep for me) and on and on... I think I've written pretty much this exact same entry before. Sigh. I am one of those irritating people with a broken record of woes. I'm just tired and upset all the time lately. I have never been a yeller, I'm proud that my kids are so sweet, and I am so patient. I used to feel super smug... chalk one up for good parenting. But lately, in the last few weeks, I find myself snarling at them and it breaks my heart to see their faces when I snap at them for something silly. I hate myself for it. They are incredibly sensitive little guys and I am being a high-strung beast. The constant squabbling and craziness makes me lose it. It's like everything comes to a head once a day in some sort of stressful on the table eating somebody's lunch, phone ringing, I trip over a toy trying to get to the baby being shoved, screaming, out of a chair by his brother who has just dumped a glass of milk over, and what isn't being licked up by the dog is running swiftly towards a pile of bills and my camera. I can't help myself but howl. I've had to shut myself in the bathroom before and just try to calm down and not shout all over the place at them. The computer has become a form of escape, though the only time I'm on it is while the baby is sleeping in my arms...he won't nap by himself anymore because his brother is too noisy, and wakes him up. He doesn't seem to be disturbed as long as I'm holding him...hence more back problems. I'm frustrated because I feel like a single parent. Justin is working over an hour away so he gets home late, we just have time for dinner, put The Kid to bed, attempt a quick clean up of disaster that is our house, rock The Baby to sleep and fall into bed. Usually, the only time I have to myself is a hot shower which is, pathetically, pretty much the one thing I look forward to all day long. The only actual attention Justin and I pay to each other is to argue about which one of us is more overworked. It's a selfish, stupid fight that has no resolution, and still we do it. The road looks like a mirror right now and snow is driving down and fogging it up. I despise this winter. I'm ashamed of my whining, but I NEED to whine today. Sorry.

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