Wednesday, May 2, 2012


(Written three Mondays ago, my cranky internet doesn't let me post things sometimes.)

It was a cram-packed weekend, and I had the classic now-that-it's-finally-spring-here's-the-worst-cold-ever going on, which made everything feel even more cram-packed than it already was, including my head.

When divorcing, if you have young children, the Court orders you to take a workshop teaching you how to help you and your kids cope. (It's actually called simply "COPE".) I had been ordered to take one at the end of June, but I figured I didn't really want to wait until June to know how to better help my kids and myself COPE, so I signed up for an earlier date, which happened to be Friday.

It was a pretty emotional day since I went straight from my therapist to this four hour workshop. They warned us ahead of time that some of the material would be heavy and hard to handle, I thought for sure I'd be The Sobbing Queen through the entire thing, especially after I saw them place Kleenex boxes between all the chairs before we started, but oddly, the older, white-haired gentleman sitting next to me took that honor. I started crying just watching HIM cry. Not that I probably wouldn't have in any case since I had just come from the counselor's office and was primed for crying already, but he was so completely heartbroken, I could hardly stand it, on top of my own feelings. The day was one big sniff and hiccup fest.

The good news is: I'm not doing everything wrong. And the fact that the kids sometimes act out in anger doesn't mean they hate me, or I'm parenting badly, but that they trust me to love them no matter how they act, and they are comfortable showing me how they feel. I found the workshop to be very helpful, even if it WAS brimful of raw emotion. In a way, it was nice to have a whole day where I could just be honest, sad and afraid, not pretend to be strong and confident. A day where I could ask questions and be told I'm a great mom even when I'm scared I can't do it by myself.

And then last night, I was invited to present in a photo slide-show at a friend's house. A sort of Who's Who of area photographers. I haven't done a darn thing with my photography in ages, so it was cool to put together a little photo show and talk. Fun. Something I haven't had in a while. I tend to push aside the things I enjoy lately in favor of the necessary. But I guess sometimes it's necessary to enjoy things too, or you just crack up. And I won't get into how hard it is to even think the word "fun" when you have zero money, zero time, zero energy and you generally just feel BITTER. Some feeling good about myself and FUN is healing.

So, that was my weekend. Ira and I are sitting out on the porch right now. It's nice and hot out today and we just had some lemonade and read 'Dinosaurs Divorce' for the millionth time. There is a deranged woodpecker drilling away on the barn roof and Ira thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. Today is our easy day, our down day, our mostly-at-home-day until pick-up time for Eli and Zumba tonight...then the week gets crazy with work, and babysitting, and grocery shopping, and appointments, and work, and meeting with wedding clients, and riding lessons, and the kid's therapy, and more work. It's been a lifesaver to get the positions in the Tunbridge and Sharon Academy schools teaching dance, but man-oh-man, does it wear me out. I probably eat twice as much as I used to, and I'm on the road every minute. Sometimes I wish I just had a regular job, where I sat at a desk or at least stayed in the same place for more than a couple hours, but...ah well...I'm blessed to have the work. And I'll COPE with whatever I have to.

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