Wednesday, January 14, 2009

This Week

Things are going fine around here at the moment. Busy. We have heard nothing back from Justin's MRI, just a letter with a follow-up appointment in a month. Seems like there is no obvious cause that they can see. They'd like for him to be taking the medication, but he truly thinks he can just eat better, and rest more and be OK. He's been driving again for a week or so now. I'm still a bit of a wreck because I feel like I need to take on more responsibility to help I'm the one dealing with the kids alone at night, trying to figure out balanced meals and all the household stuff, that we usually share, by myself and keeping him from getting over-stressed about anything. And I can't stop waking up, hour on the hour to check on him. I don't know how long it will take until I stop doing that. Hello Post Tramatic Stress Disorder! Anyway, super glad all the holiday hussle is through. It's normally my favorite time ever, just not this year. We've spent far too much time lately dreaming we were at the beach cabin. That truly feels like the only place in the world where we could actually rest and let go of all stress. Every time we are in the car for more than a few minutes, one of us will sigh and say "Don't you wish we were on our way to The Island?" But of course, it is cold and snowy there as well as here, it's just wishful-summertime-thinking! I can't believe we haven't gone skiing once yet this year. And all those wonderful winter activities that I love! It's crazy! The Kid wants so badly to try his snowboard that was too big for him last year. And Justin is itching to carve. I suppose both Justin and I should take it easy this season, what with his seizures and my back...uggg! Good grief! How do people live to be 100?!?! I feel like our bodies started to crumble to the dust the minute we hit 30! I know it's just all the trouble getting to me, but still... We need to be careful with money right now anyway. Luckily it seems like Justin's medical bills will be taken care of, but he lost a lot of work and we haven't paid our mortgage yet this month, or E's tuition for two months... I am yet again SO SORRY for my depression oozing into these entries. I never mean for it to, I'm mostly a happy lady, you know? It just sneaks out as I write...Please don't think it's my way of getting pity or sympathy! We ARE fine, I AM fine. As long as I can write it out of my system, I can cope with anything! I just feel awful that Justin works SO hard, and still, we can't get ahead, can barely get by even. I guess that's silly to say, as we have two of the most beautiful children ever, a house, and a cabin on the ocean (which seriously though, only cost like nine thousand dollars, US, or something, at the time)...I know there are zillions of people out there FAR worse off than we are... in the big picture of the world, I suppose we are almost wealthy, but sometimes it all seems to be dangling on a very thin thread. It's hard to enjoy anything when you are afraid you could lose it at any moment. When will things even out in this world? When will it matter that you practically kill yourself to give your family more, and get nothing? I just want what Justin does for us to MATTER. And it doesn't. He works all day. Harder than he should. He does his damndest to help the planet with the little we've got. We spend money on food (organic, even though we really can't afford it right now) doctors, heat, house (and the basic amenities that go with it), cars, taxes, and school. THAT'S ALL. And we are going in the hole. I realize this is just a little snapshot of what is happening to everyone in the lower and middle class across the country, but God, it's not fair! I won't go into politics in this blog, I'm not too keen about politics anyhow, so I'll just stop now. Yes...OK, seriously, my whining is over!!!!! I'm holding out hope...there's too much beauty out there to give up. Good will simply HAVE to win in the end. All my life would require to be perfect, is not having to wonder if we can pay for heat or not. To not have to argue about pointless shit, and to know that I could continue to send my kids to the kind of school where they will be gently taught to love all people, the world, and not be stomped on by society quite yet. So...if that's all it would take for my life to be perfect, I'm doing pretty well.

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