Night before last, I heard a choking sound in the night and I asked Justin if he was OK. He didn't answer, so I sat up and jiggled him. Nothing. I snapped on the light and he wasn't breathing. Very white and scary looking. I tried to lift him up, roll him over, anything, but he was dead weight. I was screaming his name by this time. Finally he says "Whhuuutt", and half comes out of it. But three seconds later, he chokes again and stiffens up, eyes clenched shut, and stops breathing. Eli had woken up, and was just staring silently from his bed with big eyes. I wanted to run down stairs to call 911, but I didn't dare leave. Plus, I couldn't even think of what to do. I was desperately trying to roll him on his side, in case he vomited, but I couldn't budge him one inch. I slapped him in the face. I was blowing frantically on his face as well, because that's worked before, when he's had a seizure. I was crying, and a complete mess. He'd wet the bed and it seriously seemed like he was dying. Or already dead, maybe. He had seizures as a child, totally unexplained, but they were always brought on by pain. He has had maybe three in the whole twelve years I've been with him, all times when he hurt himself badly, and they were quick and seemed more like a version of shock. This time, he was just sleeping. And it was three in the morning. Never fails, everything happens around here at three AM. Anyway, it seemed like forever, but he probably was only out for a few minutes before he came to, confused and cold, hungry and tired. I got dressed in a hurry, got him some yogurt, crackers, some vitamins and water. Hated to go downstairs for even a second. He threw up a few minutes later. Poor Eli was just curled up tiny and terrified, in a corner of his bed, clutching his stuffed fox. Luckily Ira, the world's lightest sleeper, was sleeping through it all. Anyway, I changed the bed, somehow around the baby. Justin didn't want me to call the rescue squad, he just wanted to go back to sleep. I know sleep would have probably been the best thing for him, but I was too afraid to let him. My brain was just a jumble, I had no idea what to do with the kids, who to call, what to do. It's kind of terrible that I can't think at all in an emergency. I never knew I'd be so useless. Kinda sucks. I got the phone, put on a movie to keep Justin occupied and nursed the now awake baby. At eight, I called the docor to see what she thought. Mom and Dad came down to stay with the boys while Sue and Mike drove us to Dartmouth. Justin threw up some more when we got there, while they were doing his blood work. He is the one person who hates needles even more than I do. (Or did...after all the needlework involved in having babies, I don't care so much anymore.) We spent all day in the ER. They did a CAT scan, and an EEG. Everything seemed basically normal, but they want him back in a week for a MRI. They prescribed an anti-seizure drug, but he hasn't taken it yet, because as a child, he was allergic to anti-seizure drugs. They just gave him more seizures. The docs told him he wasn't allowed to drive, go on roofs, ladders, take baths, etc, until they figure out what's going on with his brain. He thinks his body was just maxed out and that's why it happened this time. He ate poorly the day before, the kids have been sick, so we have had little to no sleep for ages, plus STRESS. So much stress over work, etc. Jared spent the night here last night with us, just in case. Justin slept from nine last night to almost eight this morning, and that was good. I slept not at all. To continue to fun, Dad took Mom to the hospital this morning because she dropped a hunk of firewood on her foot and can't walk. Seems broken. Right after we got that call, Eli crushed Ira's left hand in the dining room door jam, so we rushed him down to the pediatrician's office. Well, rushed as best we could...the carseats are in Justin's car and I haven't driven a standard in years...yee haw, I'd forgotten how humiliating it is to stall out four times in a row! His hand will be OK, just very bruised and swollen for a while. While we were out, we ran into two different people that Justin is supposed to be doing jobs for, so had to explain everything...I don't know what we are going to do. He needs to eat and sleep better, and not stress. I can only see this situation adding to his stress though. Where will money come from? How will he get to work? How can he work? Should I get a job? But then what about the kids? I would hate for something to happen while Justin is taking care of them. What about Eli's school? It is really expensive, but he loves it so much. And if I was working, Justin couldn't pick him up or drop him off or anything. Thank God I don't have seizures, because my stress level is pretty damn high right now too. The upside to yesterday was the cool, financial aid kid who came into our room at the hospital and said "Dudes, you guys are gonna have to pay zero for today". Excellent news as I was in private horror, thinking of the costs, on top of all my chiropractic bills lately. Anyhow, the porch roof is nearly ready to collapse under the snow load, so I need to figure that out before the rain adds to the weight this afternoon. Although I am thankful that we are all here and OK, for the most part, this year, and this Christmas, are not going down in my book as my all time favorites. Please forgive us everyone, if we don't get out much this holiday season. We need some time to unwind and get healthy. If we don't see you, have a wonderful vacation and celebrations! Love you all, Emily
