Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Jumble In My House vs The Jumble In My Head

Wow, July since I last posted! I'll try to put up Fair pictures and Fall pictures soon, but I thought I'd just drop in quickly and let everyone know that I haven't exactly forgotten about this blog, it's just so incredibly busy, I can't really find the time for it lately. School started smoothly, with me bringing the boys and Av to and from everyday, but just last week, the littlest started to panic about being left and finally, today, we decided he was just too young for the class quite yet. A bit of a drag because I was about to commit to some dance blocks at a couple local schools and now my plans have switched back to "Stay At Home Mom". Ah well. C'est La Vie.

Awesomely, the kids somehow have escaped every cold and bug that got passed around as the school year began. I, on the other hand, have had a pinched nerve in my neck or shoulder that renders my right arm nearly useless for the last two months. Waiting for our insurance to OK the MRI and other testing before some sort of action can be taken. A real drag since I have had no feeling in my thumb and can hardly sign my name. Makes daily wrestling with the three kiddos rather tricky. And all those car seat buckles almost impossible! And even more fun, I have a Bartholin Cyst. I won't even explain this one, trust me, you don't want to know. It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. A really, really painful, gross, girl thing and I'm having surgery on it tomorrow. Dancing has aggravated it horribly...just UUUUGGGHHHH. I'm going to barf if I talk about it anymore. And so will you.

Tamera's wedding looms closer and the need to finish cutting and stacking firewood is getting more desperate, not to mention all the winterizing that still needs to happen on our house. To the chagrin of many of my dancers, I've taken Tuesday and Friday evenings off for a while so we can get something done before snow falls. I hate to disappoint people but we HAVE to have some free time for us or else we'll be in real trouble soon! I organized an Art In The Park fundraiser for the kid's school a few weeks back that was a success so I am feeling pretty good about that, but now it's the big push to scavenge donations for their biggest yearly fundraiser, a holiday themed silent auction and being on yet another committee is making me stressed out at the moment. Plus we clean the school once a month which somehow always seems to fall on a weekend that's already overbooked... And now, suddenly, my phone is ringing off the hook for Senior Portraits to be done. I don't want to turn away business, especially when we need the money, but WHEN?! There is no time left in the day!

OK, sorry! I'm not meaning to go off on a cranky rants. Myra says I'm a negative person lately, and I can't say no to anyone and that's why I'm unhappy. But I'm NOT unhappy, only overbooked and telling it like it is. And I'm not meaning to single out the negative in the last couple of weeks, it just takes center stage sometimes. I DO have a problem saying no, but it seems like it's always a situation where if you said no, you'd have to be the World's Biggest Ass. Like a teacher/friend called asking me to substitute for her art class because her mother DIED and she's going to her family. Do I say "Hell no!"? No way, I don't have it in me. I felt like a jerk canceling my Hip Hop classes. There are a few kids who love it beyond ANYTHING and they were heartbroken. My normal rule of thumb is: I try to not say no when other people's uncomfort or needs outweigh my own, but I'm at a point where I would be sacrificing too much to keep those extra dance days going right now. Still, the guilt remains, and the pressure from dancer's parents.

I've always been proud of rarely letting people down...it's a foolish pride in always being The One To Pull Through, and I feel like a schmuck when I fail. It's idiotic of me, but often I wonder who I am and if it's the same as who I appear to be. And I see that I'm perceived as helpful, dependable and softhearted. And I worry that that's IT. If I fail, I'm nothing, nobody. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, remembering something I said I'd do, somebody I said I'd call, and I AGONIZE over it. An easy fix would be to simply never do anything for anybody but myself, for us... my family tells me to be more selfish, which truthfully, I guess, is a practical solution. Only I already feel selfish by refusing to give up who I think I am, and I just don't know how to stop. I'd fade away into that flaky person that I've always feared becoming.

In some areas, things are out of hand, like the fact that, depending on the situation, I always keep extra socks, hair ties, drinks, sports equipment, you name it, on hand for people that have forgotten theirs, I buy things based on who might need to borrow it at some point. When I thrift shop, I have seventeen different people in mind "Hmmmm, So-In-So could use this..."...Figure skates, snowboards, costumes, mittens, cake pans, tents, etc, etc, etc...we own these sorts of things in mass amounts of random sizes simply to lend. People have come to expect that if they need something, ANYTHING, that we will have it. My house is a disaster because of it, and yet I feel the overpowering need to turn no one away, disgruntled that Emily couldn't help them. When I photograph a stranger's wedding, I have an entire emergency kit of safety pins, hair clips, scissors, needle & thread, super glue, emery board, nail polish and breath mints in my camera bag for the bride WHO IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, but I haven't yet met a pre-wedding-hysterical-bride (in the 60 something weddings I've done in the last few years) who hasn't needed something from me.

Deep down, I could never sit there and not help. On the other hand, I need to simplify and I suppose I need therapy. Trouble is: I KNOW what my problem is, and the way out, but haven't the energy to put the plan in action. After reading this post, I wonder if my accidental, passive-aggressive writing of this post will make people steer clear of favors from me. Not my intention, but why else would I write such a thing? Perhaps because our life has become too hectic to accommodate even our own basic needs? Perhaps because my journal sits buried under my underwear in a dresser drawer and my only outlet is this keyboard? Perhaps because if I write enough of my inner thoughts in a public forum, I'll become more than just a "dependable" person? Perhaps I'm just tired and wanting sympathy? Whatever reason, yes, I realize that I have self-esteem issues lurking under the be-everywhere-do-everything-keep-on-trucking-make-the-cut-let-no-one-down facade. So maybe, in the tradition not offering alcohol to an alcoholic, if you have something you need for a while, ask my sister.